Well, that can't end up disastrous. Summoning a baby may be worse than summmoning a cake, after all, it might result in that thing in A Game of You or maybe even Rimmon-my-Petal (giant baby with a cobra for an umbilicus), but this isn't one of those instances. Katarin and Duane, as much as the culture warriors running things want to downplay it, had sex.

See, Duane doesn't want to bring up a child where the sky is purple and the sea is brown.

That's what I thought, anyway. Maybe he's worried that the censors will have his head on a pike right next to Terra Branford's. Culture warriors are known to be violent.

He's baaaaaack! He'll eventually use BabaBreath to blow two characters away. If you somehow deal more than 15360 damage, killing him, he'll use BabaBreath to remove one character from the battlefield and everything proceeds as normal.

One of them was Setzer, who will not be missed. The other one was Celes. Damn! Good thing Terra saves the day, while naked and purple! Not only that, she can be naked and purple for twice as long!

Of course, they think she's a monster too.

A monster that destroyed another monster. I guess that's acceptable, then. Go forth, Terra, and crush everyone who voted for Proposition 8 in ca-lee-faux-nee-ya.

She goes back to normal, her clothes magically reappear, and one of the kids remarks that she'll feel sad in the third person instead of the second person TO THAT CHARACTER.

The game suggesets getting Cyan, but we're going here instead. Not for the characters, as the characters you get here aren't that great, but for the magicite, which is supremely awesome.

If you can't tell, we're in Narshe. Narshe is still always winter, but there was probably an Xmas at some point, as the town is now left abandoned to the monsters. Monsters such as Nastidon. Nastidon isn't ice based, it just uses fight and grab and gets killed.

Red Wolf is not ice-based either. He'll use rush. Red dog. Rush. He can't transform into a jet or a submarine, but I think Shiva does in Final Fantasy XIII. They have a rather good rage, I must admit. No Gau Jet or Gau Coil or even a measly Gau Submarine, but inherent death protection is just as good, right? Right.

The guy in the wolf mask stole everything he could and all the doors are locked.

If you're dumb enough to not get it, come back here with Locke in your party. Hey, this place doesn't look like it was attacked by Robot Santa. I guess they just abandoned it.

Test Rider has GoldLance. An attack, not a weapon. They do yield partisans as steals, though, in case Shadow was around to steal things. Note that I don't have him, though. There's a reason I brought only three characters, which you will find out shortly.

Mag Roaders! How the hell did they get over here? Brown is inherently hasted, uses rush (and looks like he got stuck mid transformation) and fire spells every second turn. For some reason, he has Wild Cat's script.

Yellow throws wheels on the first turn and ice spells on the second. They're nothing impressive. I hate Mag Roaders, personally. If you want to use a rage, how do you know which one's which?

Wizards are basically similar to their D&D counterparts. Low defense, high magic defense, use mute or osmose on their first turn, rasp or stop on their second turn, muddle or sleep on their third turn, and the zombifying Doom Step as a counter. You do have ribbons, don't you? Between steal and drop, they're a good source of elemental rods.

Psychots are those coalescence things. They'll absorb fire and are weak to ice.

Mog isn't great, but still.

That's why you have 3 party members. You can't get sasquatch muscle without Mog in your party, and if you brought a full party, Mog goes back to the airship and you have to go back and get him. Behind Mog is a moogle charm left by his girlfriend. He's the last moogle. That must be depressing. The Moogle Charm is no encounters. Use it or don't. There's some stuff to abuse. The chests that Navgtr opened because he's a dumbass now contain an elixir and a pod bracelet. Pod bracelets give you permanent safe and shell. They're not quite Marvel Shoes, but they're more useful than what you got from them earlier.

Here, we have the easiest of the eight dragons. Ice Dragon use battle, surge, N. Cross, and Absolute 0. Sketching will cause him to use either Ice 3, which heals him, or fire 3, which hurts him. Want to berserk him, turn invisible, and shrug off his attacks? Do so.

This is surge. It isn't that impressive. For your troubles, or lack thereof, you get a Force Shield.

Let's say this about Tritoch. Rydia could kick his ass if she soloed and was equipped with a thornlet, a mop, toilet paper armor, a parchment shield, and a cursed ring. The assumption is that a mop is in fact worse than anything Rydia has for a weapon, which is probably wrong. Also, the assumption is that Rydia is in her child incarnation and therefore, has only chocobos to summon. And Locke stole all the magicite and gave it to Celes as a marriage proposal, along with replacing Edgar's tools with the Acme Oto-Krosbow, Acme Powur-Dril, Acme Chaynsaa, Acme Hi-trakshun raydeuhl taiur (tm), Acme Dabihlutatur, Acme Ayr-Ankor, Acme Noius-Blastur, and Acme Biyoblastur. Umaro could kick his ass if it wasn't for the fact that you'd need to beat Tritoch in order to get him.

Now, tell me. What does this say about the Imperial Army? I'm going to place the blame on one person: Celes.

Also, Tritoch is a particularly shitty summon with a particularly shittastic person named after him. I'd probably feel threatened and replace some data in the game with BITE ME AND DIE if this had been a particularly shitty game, like a nude hack of Bubba and Stix in which Stix is Tritoch. However, no reason to break this game. It's not their fault, he had a longass name in Japan and it wouldn't fit. I don't think I'd like him any more if he used that name instead, much like I don't think Spatula would hesitate to test his prototype planet-destroying ray on Ceres if it was called Vanessa instead, with the assumption that nobody destroyed Vanessa for being a red admiral and being responsible for... burger thievery? Huh? Pluto's too far away and Mercury might be too big, and well, it's there, and I've already established why Iris and Juno are far superior, even if Juno has worse dialogue than Final Fantasy IV.

I might use Tritoch if he was made out of a swarm of butterflies. Anyway, you'll probably just equip him and pass him around for the spells. They're good (and it's your only way to learn all the level 3 spells), but you get them really slowly. Look, if Shion and company can handle that part in Xenosaga, surely someone as awesome as Celes and Terra can handle having Tritoch attached to her.

Butterflies, by the way, are associated with death. Tritoch is associated with being a jerk and not liking Tristan Tzara. For a fun time, look up the Manifesto of Mr. Antipyrine and post it here. When it's removed, post it again. Repeat until banned. Do it anonymously and repeat until he closes down his journal. That's what he gets for being the most pathetic boss in the history of Final Fantasy. And I know Earth Tyrant is piss-easy as well, but that's only becasue gnoma halcyons are really amazingly useful and gnoma entites are much harder than Earth Tyrant. If you fought Earth Tyrant when you were supposed to, he'd be much harder.

Killing Tritoch opens up a hole in the cliff that you can go into. Take Mog. Seriously. And make sure you're immune to Imp, or at least carrying around a Moogle Charm. Anyway, let's meet the new enemies.

Anemones are either flowers or cnidarians. They were classified as colenterates, which was easier to say, and then coelenterates were split in to the phyla ctenophores and cnidarians. Fuck you, biologists. Except for Heather. You're a fan of Eddie Izzard and are therefore awesome. Anemones occasionally use Imp Touch. You know what that does, and if not, you're illiterate in the Latin alphabet. Sometimes, they heal themselves with Mega Volt. Alone, they'll use Giga Volt. They're weak to fire, and you'll have Fire 3 soon enough.

Tomb Thumb uses Dash on itself to haste, and will use attacks or imp song, but the latter only when alone.

Happy happy joy joy! More fluffy rats that can't be suplexed! Poppers will use Stone to really hurt you if you're level 33, and they always eat with two hands, arararararar, and they stop as if to say "did I leave the gas on? No, I'm a fucking squirrel!". Noise Blaster works wonders.

Pugs are the only boss here worth a crap, assuming you didn't discover that you can just use phantom against them. If you use magic, theyÕll pearl your ass for minimal damage and reveal you, so that they may slaughter you horribly with their butcher knives. They particularly detest Celes and Mog. Celes, I can understand, as Celes is a threat to them and they are acting in their best interests by eliminating Celes immediately. Mog, I don't. Perhaps tonberries and moogles are natural enemies. You can use Tritoch, but you're probably better off attacking them.

Once you've used Phantom, the only annoyance these pugs have is occasionally not getting a Minerva bustier. On a console, it means resetting and slogging back from the last save point, which was back where you had to protect Banon and found the Ice Dragon. On an emulator, it means save stating before you fought the pugs and not save stating before you realized you don't have a Minerva.

Minerva makes Celes and Terra even more ridiculously overpowered. Not at the same time, of course, as that would make things too easy. You have to wait until you find another Pugs on the Veldt and steal it with Locke (or just kill them) or get really lucky with the Thief Knife if you brought Shadow. Or just come here much later. Why?

Minerva is named for the Roman goddess of wisdom, also called Athena, who lends her name to a game I know little about and not to a planet or even a minor planet.

Here are two more Tomb Thumbs and a ... uh, is that a Ceritops? If so, ha, take that docile herbivore stereotype, but not for portraying a rhinoceros and a triceratops as the same thing. I don't think it's a Kiwok. It doesn't sound like a kiwok. Their rage is awesome, and has Giga Volt and lightning absorption, just like these guys, except these guys don't have Giga Volt. They have Pal Maker instead. Pal Maker makes you an imp. Uh, ok.

This guy is the Kiwok. He's not a cera-anything, as he has no horns. Unless he's made of wax. He's some kind of weird bird-beetle thing that cam use his pick to make you into an imp. Sketch makes him Cyclonic himself! Fun Fun! Assuming you don't break the game. They're the leaders of the little monsters according to the bestiary.

Pug is not pugs. He appears as his own thing on the Veldt, has his own stats, and is a rare encounter instead of just the contents of a box with MONSTERS! Pug (singular) is a pain in the ass, much like the person Tritoch, except Pug uses step mine every round, which might kill you because youÕve been wandering around the Veldt looking for rare monsters and increasing your step count and cleavers your ass for 8x the damage of fight when you attack right before using another step mine, instead of just lurking around and spying on you and making you want to apoptosis some things. So, what to do? Well, we could try vanish, but vanish is negated by the step mines he launches at you.

However, heÕs helpless if heÕs an imp. Unlike the monster Tritoch, whoÕs helpless no matter what. They're weak to fire. Sometimes, they'll drop a tintinnabar, but not enough to be worth it.

This is the Terrato magicite. It's rather nice, I must say. It lets you cast Quake for those instances where Celes feels suicidal. Earth Aura's ok, but few enemies are specifically weak to Earth. W. Wind and Quartr suck, though. W. Wind is powerful but unfocused and will often hit you.

You wreck yeti art. Puny humans go smush now. It's yummy yummy time! Yes yes, eat Celes time. How I wish this was Chrono Trigger so I could put polly wolly froggy get mighty bash. Or even a picture of the Cookie Monster dressed as a pretty pretty princess and committing genocide against mattresses, but the former doesn't make sense in this context and the latter doesn't make sense in any context. And it's technically corpse desecration, as mattresses have already been slaughtered, dried out and shipped across the galaxy.

Umaro is the most pathetic boss in Final Fantasy history. No, really. It says his power is 100 times up, but that just means he's safed, shelled, hasted, and regenerating. He still sucks.

Only Mog can make him join you. No Mog, no Umaro. So, if you want a complete character collection and Mog is on the airship, you better go backtrack.

Hm, six letters, only six letters. Sweetums won't fit, so let's just stick with Umaro.

I will see you on the quest for Cyan.